public async static Task <KeyValuePair <string, string> > GetMessage() { if (App.AslansBullshit) { return(kvp("Past og splash - waitng for Ready packet")); } Random rand = new Random(); if (rand.Next(4) % 4 != 0) { DateTime now = DateTime.Now; if (now.Month == 12 && (now.Day == 25 || now.Day == 24)) { //Christmas eve or day switch (rand.Next(0, 3)) { case 0: return(kvp("Ho ho ho")); case 1: return(kvp("Merry Christmas!")); case 2: return(kvp("What a beautiful christmas day...")); case 3: return(kvp("Making Christmas bells")); } } else if (now.Month == 10 && now.Day == 31) { //Halloween switch (rand.Next(0, 3)) { case 0: return(kvp("Boo", "@Satan#666")); case 1: return(kvp("Cutting pumpkins", "@Satan#666")); case 2: return(kvp("Spooky scary skeletons...", "@austinception#5634")); case 3: return(kvp("Preemptivly Ruining Spooktober memes", "@Satan#666")); } } else if (now.Month == 12 && now.Day == 21) { //End of the world switch (rand.Next(0, 1)) { case 0: return(kvp((now.Year - 2012).ToString() + " years since the end of the world")); case 1: return(kvp("The world ended exactly " + (now.Year - 2012).ToString() + " years ago")); } } else if (now.Month == 5) { if (now.Day == 4) { //Star wars day (May the fourth) switch (rand.Next(0, 6)) { case 0: return(kvp("May the force be with you", "@Darth4212#5735")); case 1: return(kvp("Using the force")); case 2: return(kvp("A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...")); case 3: return(kvp("Removing Porgs from the Millenium Falcon...")); case 4: return(kvp("Travelling through hyperspace")); case 5: return(kvp("Murdering Jar Jar Binks")); case 6: return(kvp("Attempting a force projection")); } } else if (now.Day == 5) { switch (rand.Next(0, 0)) { case 0: return(kvp("Putting on sombrero", "@austinception#8911")); } } } else if (now.Month == 7 && now.Day == 4) { //July 4th (American indepence day) switch (rand.Next(0, 0)) { case 0: return(kvp("*Eagle screech*", "@austinception#8911")); } } } switch (rand.Next(0, 132)) { case 0: return(kvp("HUZZAH")); case 1: return(kvp("Beam me up Scotty!!!")); case 3: return(kvp("Aligning buttons")); case 5: return(kvp("UWP FTW")); case 6: return(kvp("Generating stuff")); case 7: return(kvp("Cutting ribbons")); case 8: return(kvp("Passing the vacuum cleaner")); case 9: return(kvp("I'm afraid I can't load that, Dave")); case 10: return(kvp("Squashing bugs")); case 11: return(kvp("It's alive!!")); case 12: return(kvp("Thanking the producers")); case 13: return(kvp("Hiding the ugly code")); case 14: return(kvp("Writing loading messages")); case 15: return(kvp("400: Bad joke")); case 16: return(kvp("418: I'm a teapot")); case 17: return(kvp("404: (Good) joke not found")); case 18: return(kvp("<Insert catch phrase here>")); case 19: return(kvp("Microsoft's working on Windows Mobile!?!?!?", "@Dikas#8802")); case 20: return(kvp("Splash screen*", "@ToonWK#5841")); case 21: return(kvp("I don't mean to be rude but...")); case 22: return(kvp("Converting caffeine to code")); case 23: return(kvp("Improvise, Adapt, Overcome")); case 24: return(kvp("Burning evidence...")); case 25: return(kvp("Oh, it's you")); case 26: return(kvp("Making covfefe")); case 27: return(kvp("Hiring lawyers")); case 28: return(kvp("if(NotWorking) { MakeItWork(); }")); case 29: return(kvp("Genji on the Payload?!", "@ModProg|Roland#6987")); case 30: return(kvp("Don't turn off your PC", "@Civiled#1713")); case 31: return(kvp("Capturing the flag...", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 32: return(kvp("Does it even load", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 33: return(kvp("Gotta go fast!", "@YoshiAsk#4385")); case 34: return(kvp("(Not even trying to load)", "@ModProg|Roland#6987")); case 35: return(kvp("<Insert Wilhelm scream>", "@Aslan#9846")); case 36: return(kvp("The sun is a deadly laser", "@ToonWK#5841")); case 37: return(kvp("I need healing", "@Neel#2970")); case 38: return(kvp("Han shot first", "@DougTheDog6#5067")); case 39: return(kvp("Shots fired", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 40: return(kvp("$100! $200! $300!", "@DougTheDog6#5067")); case 41: return(kvp("€100! €200! €300!", "@ModProg|Roland#6987")); case 42: return(kvp("I should charge money for new downloads now...", "@Neel#2970")); case 43: return(kvp("Aren't you a little short to be a storm trooper?", "@DougTheDog6#5067")); case 44: return(kvp("Smooth animations warning", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 45: return(kvp("Did you plug it in?", "@WPFI#9651")); case 46: return(kvp("Randomly pressing buttons...", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 47: return(kvp("Ripping FAT ergos")); case 48: return(kvp("The developers are great!", "@Canada Baltimore Bias#2911")); case 49: return(kvp("Ready player one?", "@ዘልኗጌልዪዕ_ርቿረጎክቿ#9883")); case 50: return(kvp("Watch the icon rollin' rollin'", "@Gavirlas#9973")); case 51: return(kvp("You spin me right round, baby right round", "omgPANTO#6232")); case 52: return(kvp("Watch the icon rollin' rollin'", "@ዘልኗጌልዪዕ_ርቿረጎክቿ#9883")); case 53: return(kvp("YOU'RE A WIZARD LARRY!", "@SamCraftRecon#9075")); case 54: return(kvp("Updating memes...", "@SamCraftRecon#9075")); case 55: return(kvp("Saying hi to the NSA")); case 56: return(kvp("shaken not shtirred", "@Aslan#9846")); case 57: return(kvp("All natural!", "@SamCraftRecon#9075")); case 58: return(kvp("100 % sugar free", "@Aslan#9846")); case 59: return(kvp("Searching for the meaning of life")); case 60: return(kvp("You got a license for that?", "@Aslan#9846")); case 61: return(kvp("Did you bring snacks?", "@Chestbeard#9806")); case 62: return(kvp("Suitable for Vegans", "@SamCraftRecon#9075")); case 63: return(kvp("I can't believe you've done this")); case 64: return(kvp("Better than iOS 11!", "@Abaan404#9892")); case 65: return(kvp("Watching Netflix", "@Aslan#9846")); case 66: return(kvp("Checking for Bugs", "@Aslan#9846")); case 67: return(kvp("FRE SHAVAC ADO")); case 68: return(kvp("I have the power of God and Anime")); case 69: return(kvp("I ain't got no sleep")); case 70: return(kvp("No ketchup, just sauce, raw sauce")); case 71: return(kvp("Building friendships since MMCXVII")); case 72: return(kvp("The ting goes skrrraah")); case 73: return(kvp("Tacos incoming, prepare for pure joy", "@LuketheDuke424#2556")); case 74: return(kvp("Waiting for Senpai", "@LuketheDuke424#2556")); case 75: return(kvp("Is this even legal?", "@Smash_kirby#0966")); case 76: return(kvp("Maximizing Hype", "@Civiled#1713")); case 77: return(kvp("Preparing the Men", "@Civiled#1713")); case 78: return(kvp("Picking Tide Pods off the vine", "@Darth4212#5735")); case 79: return(kvp("\"And also with you\"", "John Mulaney")); case 80: return(kvp("Did you forget about Dre?", "@Darth4212#5735")); case 81: return(kvp("Hope this becomes a Splash text...", "@Darth4212#5735")); case 82: return(kvp("Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?", "@Darth4212#5735")); case 83: return(kvp("Turning bugs into features")); case 84: return(kvp("Deats dy Boctor Bre")); case 85: return(kvp("Tragdor the Dragon")); case 86: return(kvp("The random # was 86")); case 87: return(kvp("Burying dead memes")); case 88: return(kvp("Delaying startup", "@joosthoi1#0460")); case 89: return(kvp("Double Dipping", "@Aslan#9846")); case 90: return(kvp("Shout out to Bob")); case 91: return(kvp("Inhaling air, exhaling memes", "@Aslan#9846")); case 92: return(kvp("\"Cut the baby down the middle\"", "John Mulaney")); case 93: return(kvp("Pending next game changer")); case 94: return(kvp("So the skype app is having issues huh?", "@Filip96#8066")); case 95: return(kvp("NOT THE BEES", "@Aslan#9846")); case 96: return(kvp("I'm getting all dizzy here", "@lachlan2357#5459")); case 97: return(kvp("...and that's how I lost my tail", "@austinception#8911")); case 98: return(kvp("if you're reading this, it's too late", "@austinception#8911")); case 99: return(kvp("Welcome to Chili's")); case 100: return(kvp("Sideloading virus...", "@austinception#8911")); case 101: return(kvp("Is Mayonnaise an instrument?", "@Shakenbacon#1769")); case 102: return(kvp("Riding a train", "@Aslan#9846")); case 103: return(kvp("Inconceivable!", "@austinception#8911")); case 104: return(kvp(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("http://itsthisforthat.com/api.php?text")))); case 105: return(kvp("Always on Xbox!", "@THΞGRΞΛTTUΠΛ#3015")); case 106: return(kvp("Now with Comic Sans", "@iDrinkArmour#9450")); case 107: return(kvp("dabs unironically", "@iDrinkArmour#9450")); case 108: return(kvp("only naturally occurring lag", "@iDrinkArmour#9450")); case 109: return(kvp("Just bing it!", "@austinception#5634")); case 110: return(kvp("Googling Bing", "@SamCraftRecon#9075")); case 111: return(kvp("Removing pen from Pineapple", "@Pineapple#9225")); case 112: return(kvp("Entering cheat codes", "@Pineapple#9225")); case 113: return(kvp("MOM GET THE CAMERA", "@Pineapple#9225")); case 114: return(kvp("\"The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presense of man\"", "Werner Herzog")); case 115: return(kvp("\"I don't trust or love anyone because people are so creepy...\"", "Vincent Gallo")); case 116: return(kvp("\"I like watercolours. I like acrylic paint... a little bit. I like house paint. I like oil based paint and I love oil-paint. I love the smell of turpentine and I like that world of oil paint very, very, very much.\"", "David Lynch")); case 117: return(kvp("\"I despise formal restaurants. I find all that formality to be very base and vile. I would much rather eat potato chips in the sidewalk.\"", "Werner Herzog")); case 118: return(kvp(striptoquote(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("https://ron-swanson-quotes.herokuapp.com/v2/quotes"))), "Ron Swanson")); case 119: return(kvp(cuttosentence(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("http://skateipsum.com/get/1/0/text"))))); case 120: return(kvp("¡ǝldoǝd uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ 'ǝɯoɔlǝM", "@ToonWK#7692")); case 121: return(kvp("^ Not a pigeon", "@austinception#5634")); case 122: return(kvp("The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage...", "@melon#3569")); case 123: return(kvp("Shrimp of an ex husband", "#psat2017")); case 124: return(kvp("One miserable star", "#psat2018")); case 125: return(kvp("Okay, this is epic", "@austinception#8911")); case 126: return(kvp("Starting in Greenland")); case 127: return(kvp("Kowalski, Analysis")); case 128: return(kvp("Whipping developers...", "@WPFI#9651")); case 129: return(kvp("Taking the red pill...", "@WPFI#9651")); case 130: return(kvp("Taking the red pill...", "@WPFI#9651")); case 131: return(kvp("Adopting woodlice", "@austinception#5634")); case 132: return(kvp("Adopting woodlice", "@austinception#5634")); default: return(kvp("Waiting for the Ready Packet")); } }