public async static Task <KeyValuePair <string, string> > GetMessage()
{
if (App.AslansBullshit)
{
return(kvp("Past og splash - waitng for Ready packet"));
}
Random rand = new Random();
if (rand.Next(4) % 4 != 0)
{
DateTime now = DateTime.Now;
if (now.Month == 12 && (now.Day == 25 || now.Day == 24))
{
//Christmas eve or day
switch (rand.Next(0, 3))
{
case 0: return(kvp("Ho ho ho"));
case 1: return(kvp("Merry Christmas!"));
case 2: return(kvp("What a beautiful christmas day..."));
case 3: return(kvp("Making Christmas bells"));
}
}
else
if (now.Month == 10 && now.Day == 31)
{
//Halloween
switch (rand.Next(0, 3))
{
case 0: return(kvp("Boo", "@Satan#666"));
case 1: return(kvp("Cutting pumpkins", "@Satan#666"));
case 2: return(kvp("Spooky scary skeletons...", "@austinception#5634"));
case 3: return(kvp("Preemptivly Ruining Spooktober memes", "@Satan#666"));
}
}
else
if (now.Month == 12 && now.Day == 21)
{
//End of the world
switch (rand.Next(0, 1))
{
case 0: return(kvp((now.Year - 2012).ToString() + " years since the end of the world"));
case 1: return(kvp("The world ended exactly " + (now.Year - 2012).ToString() + " years ago"));
}
}
else
if (now.Month == 5)
{
if (now.Day == 4)
{
//Star wars day (May the fourth)
switch (rand.Next(0, 6))
{
case 0: return(kvp("May the force be with you", "@Darth4212#5735"));
case 1: return(kvp("Using the force"));
case 2: return(kvp("A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."));
case 3: return(kvp("Removing Porgs from the Millenium Falcon..."));
case 4: return(kvp("Travelling through hyperspace"));
case 5: return(kvp("Murdering Jar Jar Binks"));
case 6: return(kvp("Attempting a force projection"));
}
}
else
if (now.Day == 5)
{
switch (rand.Next(0, 0))
{
case 0: return(kvp("Putting on sombrero", "@austinception#8911"));
}
}
}
else
if (now.Month == 7 && now.Day == 4)
{
//July 4th (American indepence day)
switch (rand.Next(0, 0))
{
case 0: return(kvp("*Eagle screech*", "@austinception#8911"));
}
}
}
switch (rand.Next(0, 132))
{
case 0: return(kvp("HUZZAH"));
case 1: return(kvp("Beam me up Scotty!!!"));
case 3: return(kvp("Aligning buttons"));
case 5: return(kvp("UWP FTW"));
case 6: return(kvp("Generating stuff"));
case 7: return(kvp("Cutting ribbons"));
case 8: return(kvp("Passing the vacuum cleaner"));
case 9: return(kvp("I'm afraid I can't load that, Dave"));
case 10: return(kvp("Squashing bugs"));
case 11: return(kvp("It's alive!!"));
case 12: return(kvp("Thanking the producers"));
case 13: return(kvp("Hiding the ugly code"));
case 14: return(kvp("Writing loading messages"));
case 15: return(kvp("400: Bad joke"));
case 16: return(kvp("418: I'm a teapot"));
case 17: return(kvp("404: (Good) joke not found"));
case 18: return(kvp("<Insert catch phrase here>"));
case 19: return(kvp("Microsoft's working on Windows Mobile!?!?!?", "@Dikas#8802"));
case 20: return(kvp("Splash screen*", "@ToonWK#5841"));
case 21: return(kvp("I don't mean to be rude but..."));
case 22: return(kvp("Converting caffeine to code"));
case 23: return(kvp("Improvise, Adapt, Overcome"));
case 24: return(kvp("Burning evidence..."));
case 25: return(kvp("Oh, it's you"));
case 26: return(kvp("Making covfefe"));
case 27: return(kvp("Hiring lawyers"));
case 28: return(kvp("if(NotWorking) { MakeItWork(); }"));
case 29: return(kvp("Genji on the Payload?!", "@ModProg|Roland#6987"));
case 30: return(kvp("Don't turn off your PC", "@Civiled#1713"));
case 31: return(kvp("Capturing the flag...", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 32: return(kvp("Does it even load", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 33: return(kvp("Gotta go fast!", "@YoshiAsk#4385"));
case 34: return(kvp("(Not even trying to load)", "@ModProg|Roland#6987"));
case 35: return(kvp("<Insert Wilhelm scream>", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 36: return(kvp("The sun is a deadly laser", "@ToonWK#5841"));
case 37: return(kvp("I need healing", "@Neel#2970"));
case 38: return(kvp("Han shot first", "@DougTheDog6#5067"));
case 39: return(kvp("Shots fired", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 40: return(kvp("$100! $200! $300!", "@DougTheDog6#5067"));
case 41: return(kvp("€100! €200! €300!", "@ModProg|Roland#6987"));
case 42: return(kvp("I should charge money for new downloads now...", "@Neel#2970"));
case 43: return(kvp("Aren't you a little short to be a storm trooper?", "@DougTheDog6#5067"));
case 44: return(kvp("Smooth animations warning", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 45: return(kvp("Did you plug it in?", "@WPFI#9651"));
case 46: return(kvp("Randomly pressing buttons...", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 47: return(kvp("Ripping FAT ergos"));
case 48: return(kvp("The developers are great!", "@Canada Baltimore Bias#2911"));
case 49: return(kvp("Ready player one?", "@ዘልኗጌልዪዕ_ርቿረጎክቿ#9883"));
case 50: return(kvp("Watch the icon rollin' rollin'", "@Gavirlas#9973"));
case 51: return(kvp("You spin me right round, baby right round", "omgPANTO#6232"));
case 52: return(kvp("Watch the icon rollin' rollin'", "@ዘልኗጌልዪዕ_ርቿረጎክቿ#9883"));
case 53: return(kvp("YOU'RE A WIZARD LARRY!", "@SamCraftRecon#9075"));
case 54: return(kvp("Updating memes...", "@SamCraftRecon#9075"));
case 55: return(kvp("Saying hi to the NSA"));
case 56: return(kvp("shaken not shtirred", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 57: return(kvp("All natural!", "@SamCraftRecon#9075"));
case 58: return(kvp("100 % sugar free", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 59: return(kvp("Searching for the meaning of life"));
case 60: return(kvp("You got a license for that?", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 61: return(kvp("Did you bring snacks?", "@Chestbeard#9806"));
case 62: return(kvp("Suitable for Vegans", "@SamCraftRecon#9075"));
case 63: return(kvp("I can't believe you've done this"));
case 64: return(kvp("Better than iOS 11!", "@Abaan404#9892"));
case 65: return(kvp("Watching Netflix", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 66: return(kvp("Checking for Bugs", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 67: return(kvp("FRE SHAVAC ADO"));
case 68: return(kvp("I have the power of God and Anime"));
case 69: return(kvp("I ain't got no sleep"));
case 70: return(kvp("No ketchup, just sauce, raw sauce"));
case 71: return(kvp("Building friendships since MMCXVII"));
case 72: return(kvp("The ting goes skrrraah"));
case 73: return(kvp("Tacos incoming, prepare for pure joy", "@LuketheDuke424#2556"));
case 74: return(kvp("Waiting for Senpai", "@LuketheDuke424#2556"));
case 75: return(kvp("Is this even legal?", "@Smash_kirby#0966"));
case 76: return(kvp("Maximizing Hype", "@Civiled#1713"));
case 77: return(kvp("Preparing the Men", "@Civiled#1713"));
case 78: return(kvp("Picking Tide Pods off the vine", "@Darth4212#5735"));
case 79: return(kvp("\"And also with you\"", "John Mulaney"));
case 80: return(kvp("Did you forget about Dre?", "@Darth4212#5735"));
case 81: return(kvp("Hope this becomes a Splash text...", "@Darth4212#5735"));
case 82: return(kvp("Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?", "@Darth4212#5735"));
case 83: return(kvp("Turning bugs into features"));
case 84: return(kvp("Deats dy Boctor Bre"));
case 85: return(kvp("Tragdor the Dragon"));
case 86: return(kvp("The random # was 86"));
case 87: return(kvp("Burying dead memes"));
case 88: return(kvp("Delaying startup", "@joosthoi1#0460"));
case 89: return(kvp("Double Dipping", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 90: return(kvp("Shout out to Bob"));
case 91: return(kvp("Inhaling air, exhaling memes", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 92: return(kvp("\"Cut the baby down the middle\"", "John Mulaney"));
case 93: return(kvp("Pending next game changer"));
case 94: return(kvp("So the skype app is having issues huh?", "@Filip96#8066"));
case 95: return(kvp("NOT THE BEES", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 96: return(kvp("I'm getting all dizzy here", "@lachlan2357#5459"));
case 97: return(kvp("...and that's how I lost my tail", "@austinception#8911"));
case 98: return(kvp("if you're reading this, it's too late", "@austinception#8911"));
case 99: return(kvp("Welcome to Chili's"));
case 100: return(kvp("Sideloading virus...", "@austinception#8911"));
case 101: return(kvp("Is Mayonnaise an instrument?", "@Shakenbacon#1769"));
case 102: return(kvp("Riding a train", "@Aslan#9846"));
case 103: return(kvp("Inconceivable!", "@austinception#8911"));
case 104: return(kvp(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("http://itsthisforthat.com/api.php?text"))));
case 105: return(kvp("Always on Xbox!", "@THΞGRΞΛTTUΠΛ#3015"));
case 106: return(kvp("Now with Comic Sans", "@iDrinkArmour#9450"));
case 107: return(kvp("dabs unironically", "@iDrinkArmour#9450"));
case 108: return(kvp("only naturally occurring lag", "@iDrinkArmour#9450"));
case 109: return(kvp("Just bing it!", "@austinception#5634"));
case 110: return(kvp("Googling Bing", "@SamCraftRecon#9075"));
case 111: return(kvp("Removing pen from Pineapple", "@Pineapple#9225"));
case 112: return(kvp("Entering cheat codes", "@Pineapple#9225"));
case 113: return(kvp("MOM GET THE CAMERA", "@Pineapple#9225"));
case 114: return(kvp("\"The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presense of man\"", "Werner Herzog"));
case 115: return(kvp("\"I don't trust or love anyone because people are so creepy...\"", "Vincent Gallo"));
case 116: return(kvp("\"I like watercolours. I like acrylic paint... a little bit. I like house paint. I like oil based paint and I love oil-paint. I love the smell of turpentine and I like that world of oil paint very, very, very much.\"", "David Lynch"));
case 117: return(kvp("\"I despise formal restaurants. I find all that formality to be very base and vile. I would much rather eat potato chips in the sidewalk.\"", "Werner Herzog"));
case 118: return(kvp(striptoquote(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("https://ron-swanson-quotes.herokuapp.com/v2/quotes"))), "Ron Swanson"));
case 119: return(kvp(cuttosentence(await RESTCalls.GetStringFromURI(new Uri("http://skateipsum.com/get/1/0/text")))));
case 120: return(kvp("¡ǝldoǝd uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ 'ǝɯoɔlǝM", "@ToonWK#7692"));
case 121: return(kvp("^ Not a pigeon", "@austinception#5634"));
case 122: return(kvp("The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage...", "@melon#3569"));
case 123: return(kvp("Shrimp of an ex husband", "#psat2017"));
case 124: return(kvp("One miserable star", "#psat2018"));
case 125: return(kvp("Okay, this is epic", "@austinception#8911"));
case 126: return(kvp("Starting in Greenland"));
case 127: return(kvp("Kowalski, Analysis"));
case 128: return(kvp("Whipping developers...", "@WPFI#9651"));
case 129: return(kvp("Taking the red pill...", "@WPFI#9651"));
case 130: return(kvp("Taking the red pill...", "@WPFI#9651"));
case 131: return(kvp("Adopting woodlice", "@austinception#5634"));
case 132: return(kvp("Adopting woodlice", "@austinception#5634"));
default: return(kvp("Waiting for the Ready Packet"));
}
}
